Week Five

[HOG Rider]

She decided the counseling and meds were not helping, so quit both last month and has become much worse.

That's the very similar situation we have with our son, he goes to rehab and then decides it's nonsense and he doesn't need it and leaves the program. When he leaves a program the heroin creeps back into his life and, unfortunately, ours too. In the past five years we have spent about $100,000 in drug treatment programs for him and it hasn't stopped him yet.

The only thing that has him stopped for the time being is that he serving time for burglary, it was our home he hit too, he and one of his druggie friends hit us for $10,000 worth of jewelry and firearms. Yes I had it all in a safe but he knew we were going to be out of town for a few days and had all the time in the world to break into our home.  And he knew how to disable the alarm from when he used to live with us, so he destroys the safe with a pry bar and made off with a small fortune for drugs. Fortunately they were stupid enough to take it to the nearby pawn shop, the police were able to track our stuff to two pawn shops. We recovered most everything they took, still missing one of my guns and one of my wife's necklaces.

[HOG Rider]

@ Hog Rider: Phew! Not an easy life right now. I do not envy you. And I genuinely sympathise and hold out a symbolic hand. It must be a very, very difficult walk to walk. It is also a kick in the pants for me to stop wallowing in my drama stories. Mum does have Alzheimers, but she is 85.... so if we provide a safe haven, that is good enough. Finances crush our options to a tiny pinpoint of what they could be if we sold our house. However heroin, bi-polar and mothers in denial are far more difficult to shift as they require others to make great changes. [I see you have dropped the lenses that allow me to blow hot or cold, as I feel suits my mood. Your reality is a harsh one, but I think you are right, the only way is to work on our own issues. I have been using Mum's issue as a Big Problem to mask my own imperfections. Ouch!]

In addition to all the issues with our son I am also dealing with "toxic parents".  All these issues are staring to surface since I started L4 and now I'm into L5. The more I read and get into BWE the more I realize how dysfunctional my family was and still is. I was raised by verbally/physically abusive and alcoholic parents. And as they advance in age they are getting worse and they don't even realize that they even have a disease and how much their disease has affected the rest of the family.

But don't worry about me, I'm going through this journey with nerves of steel and determination to stay the course on the right path to a more fulfilling and peaceful life.  BTW Your reccomandation of Anna Wise books are next on my list, I had a pile of books that I had bought to read over the past few months and I'm nearing the end of that pile and have the Anna Wise books in my shopping cart at Amazon.com to order next. Along with those two books I'm ordering one on how to deal with toxic parents.

[Dreamer]

All these issues are staring to surface since I started L4 and now I'm into L5. The more I read and get into BWE the more I realize how dysfunctional my family was and still is.

HOG Rider, I know how you feel. For me it also seemed like all these problems started while I was in level 4. Now, as I think on it (perhaps level five is helping me to see things clearer), I realize that the issues I am now dealing with have been around for well over a year and I had just seen the situation as 'normal.' Whether that was because I was also in chaos or because I was in denial I can't say. I just know that I can now see what the problems are and what I need to do about them.

You know, in difficult situations, where so many elements are all over the place, but tied together so as to make a tangled mess, that's when I get really quiet inside myself, just for a moment or two, several times during the day. And in that quiet space, I see in my mind what it is I really want, from myself and in my life, and from that directional assessment, I imagine how I need to face and conduct the difficult situation I'm in, that best reflects the overall intent I want my life to be. I try to move from a space of wanting my life, instead of withdrawing to a space that feels my life isn't this or that.

Thank you, Robert. I have been trying to do that, see what I REALLY want and what I need to do to get it. Paths I did not know were there seem to be opening up for me to be able to take the action that needs to be done. Now I just have to have the strength and courage to follow those paths.

[AZ Warrior]

Dear HOG Rider & Dreamer,

As a parent and someone who also came from a dysfunctional family (who doesn't--LOL--my psych teacher many years ago said only 1% of the world population is "normal", but I digress), I can empathize with your situations and I honestly am keeping you in my prayers that things will work out for you in the end with your current situations. I genuinely hope the best for you and your loved ones. No "decent" parent wants to turn their focus away from the good and welfare of their children, but like you've pointed out---it's THEIR problems and all you can do is what is best for you, help them if you can, but not get sucked in or feel in any way responsible for their actions/decisions/choices/consequences.  You have to keep yourself separated or you will go bonkers and unfairly be critical of yourself (ie blaming yourself for their choices, etc).  Easier said than done, I know. 

I don't want to say this to bore folks or be misinterpreted as preaching as these are not my intentions, but there is a famous story (I'll keep it brief so you get the gist of it--and hopefully right) of Buddha being verbally chastized by some folks.  While they said nasty things, he kept a cool/calm demeanor smiling the whole time.  When asked how he could do this, he posed a simple question to them.  "If you give someone a gift, and they refuse it, to whom does the gift belong?" They answered "to the giver" and Buddha congratulated them for correctly answering the question.  He refused their gift of chastizement.  How does this apply?  As stated, although easier said than done, your family's issues are THEIR issues.  Refuse said gifts.  Be responsible for yourself, keep centered, and you will come up with the best options on how you can best proceed given your current situations. 

My heart and hand goes out to you both, and I will keep you in my prayers. Hang in there, I think you both will have breakthroughs that will happen imminently or in very short order.