Greetings to everyone!
I am in touch with something important inside which is surfacing, and I habitually expend significant energy on to suppress any trace of it! (Hence my fatigue).
I need to get this written quickly while my alpha bridge is still open so I can locate/sense the .....[it defies labeling, but it is very much present, I'll call it "sploof"].... and bring it fully into consciousness.
Let me describe "sploof" while I can sensorise it. [A sploof is an Inner Demon - or perhaps Angel in disguise?]
Location: it is in my upper stomach / solar plexus area.
Physically it feels like nausea. It is strong, powerful, uncomfortable.
Sometimes I sense fear there.
If I stay with it emotionally it can make me want to cry, so sadness is threaded through my sploof too.
A knot..... a place of tension, perhaps scared tension.... or dread? It is tight there, holding itself in.
Emotions attached to 'sploof' are some fear; panic; betrayal?; dread; sadness; grief; it changes when I focus on it so I assume it is an amalgam of emotional experiences that I have locked away in my stomach region.
Discovering my Sploof:Doing the chakra cleanse and charge over the last few days I have sensed this 'nausea/fear knot'. It just makes itself known. During Open Focus today it was quite intense, overpowering enough that I couldn't focus away from it, so it dominated the session.
Aha - Insight No. 1: understanding boredom, mindchatter and alliesI listened to Les Fehmi's wife introducing Open Focus, how to make it work (on the Dissolving Pain CD, in case you want it), what happens when we move from intense, single-minded focus (my habitual mode of being, which is actually being 'stuck' permanently on red/orange alert - an exhausting place to live) into diffused focus (a relaxed alpha state where we are conscious of all states of being, where we use all our senses, so we view the bigger picture, the wide lens on life and feelings).
In her talk, something thing caught my attention: an explanation I have sought for a long time while I attempted to meditate (previously) and since starting up BrainEv.
Mind chatter, boredom (and I can think of two people on the forum who struggle with BrainEv boredom), tiredness.... these things, according to Mrs Fehmi, can arise during Open Focus sessions. She calls these intruding emotions or sensations "belief phenomena". She suggests not fighting the boredom/irritation/whatever, but just let it co-exist with the exercises in the session. Mrs Fehmi goes on to explain that it isn't the Open Focus (you guys can read BrainEv) session that 'causes' boredom etc. No, she says the boredom etc/belief phenomena is always there. Just by getting into a relaxed state (which we now know comes from lowering our frequencies into alpha and below) allows us to feel/sense it.
Think this through. I am going to take JeDale/Jason's boredom example, because it is often easier for me to grasp what others are going through, before applying same to myself. So Jason is hellishly bored during BrainEv sessions. He doesn't know boredom is a "belief phenomena", so when he senses boredom during the session he jumps to the logical conclusion that BrainEv sessions bore him to bits.
Enter the Fehmis with their "belief phenomena" explanation. They say boredom is a state-of-being that is currently below Jason's perception radar. Add in some nice, calming, spacy alpha and theta frequencies during BrainEv, our beta-I-must-suppress-boredom barrier slips, and Wham! in comes boredom. We are just experiencing something that was always there.
[Apologies, Jason, I can see you fuming at being dissected like this, overly simplistically by me. So don't take offense, I just want to illustrate a point
]
Back to yours truly. Pure Bliss under the lens this time.
My day to day symptoms are tendency to anxiety, insomnia often strikes, over-eating, tiredness (even if I don't do anything too strenuous), resistance to doing some pretty ordinary things, and I definitely spend most of my waking time in narrow focus (lazar sharp focus on, say, a problem, while being oblivious to the big world going on around me). Now, even I can imagine these to be the actions of someone who wants to 'avoid' sploof; or suppress/resist sploof. How do I suppress/resist sploof?
* In real life when I sense sploof's existence in my stomach as fear/a knot/tension/nausea, I misinterpret it as hunger sensations and subsequently eat, in an attempt to 'feed it out of existence'. It doesn't work, I am not hungry, but nervous - yet I cannot in real life contact/locate this sploof.
* Insomnia. Yes at night I am alone with me, my feelings, my fears, my anxiety for a long, long, quiet time. No external interruptions to 'grab' my 'focused attention'. As I start to relax in an attempt to sleep, the sploof tends to wriggle about. It wriggles enough to let a few strands of anxiety, unease, distress loose. I subsequently clamp my suppression defense barrier into place. But this requires attention (yes, focused attention) and effort, both of which shunt me into beta-frazzle and circular, anxiety-type thought patterns. And round and round we go. Every time I relax enough to fall asleep, my sploof wriggles up toward consciousness. I react to the fear-knot by trying to suppress it - after all I do want to sleep.
* So boredom, overeating, irritability, hyper-focus, stressing out, being busy-busy etc etc are just beta-based mechanisms for tamping down that which ALREADY lies within. When brainwave entrainment shifts us out of busy-beta, unpleasant suppressed stuff starts to squirm and wriggle. We notice this (when attempting to sleep, or during BrainEv, or Open Focus, or chakra cleansing in my case), mistakenly attribute the uncomfortable/disturbing sensations/emotions to the real life situation we are currently engaging in AND THEREBY LOOSE THE CHANCE TO EXPERIENCE IT AS A TRAUMA/SUPPRESSED ENERGY.
* Overeating is my habitual, front-line, waking-time suppression technique. Insomnia and worry-worry is my night-time suppression technique. Reading works well too ...... you should see all the interesting books I have read to obliterate my restless, squirming sploof. Television doesn't work, it doesn't suck me in enough, so I cannot find 'relief' in narrow focus (i.e. excluding everything including my squirming sploof by intently focusing on my chosen distraction/suppression techinique). Another successful suppression technique is thinking about the past, escaping into the future, or worrying about an intractable problem (e.g. finances, Mum's worsening Alzheimers, and all those luscious things that are just beyond my control).
Progress of a kind: Locating 'Demons' withinIt is clear that I am making progress of a kind. BrainEv, Open Focus, going to sleep (!), chakra cleansing/charging, meditation (no wonder this never used to work for me, talk about opening Pandora's Box) are all brain states conducive to letting me experience the sploofs I have within. Distractions and other coping mechanisms are all in beta wavelengths, so I have come to inhabit very narrow brainwave frequencies. Leaving beta means exposure to unplumbed sploofs.
I have one sploof by the tail now. It resides in my sensory stomach (or solar plexus chakra). It doesn't feel particularly comfortable and it contains elements of fear, grief, nausea, panic and potentially ugly stuff sealed within. The good news is, as I become increasingly comfortable and adept at playing around in alpha and theta, well I do encounter a sploof or two in the secret corridors of my mind - and especially my stomach. I am going to make each sploof conscious, march it over the alpha bridge into full consciousness. Then using my whole-brain, I will decide what to do with what each sploof contains.
BrainEv dream: Allowing Fear to exist: Killing Anger/HateHad two back to back sessions of BrainEv level 3 at 5 a.m. (yep, this is the time when normal mortals sleep, but insomniacs don't!). I heard the waves and gushing water on the BrainEv soundtrack. I felt apprehensive...... wait a moment, Bliss. Remember the Fehmis. Think! [I pull in some beta waves here.] The water doesn't scare me: the scaredness is always there, just BrainEv is reconnecting me with what has always lain within.
In the second session I saw a pretty, slim blond girl who was wearing a blue lycra sequined outfit. I killed her! Yes I did. Don't know how I achieved this as I am not into murder - even eating meat is tough for me. But I killed her. Do you know who this pretty female was, all dressed so alluringly in blue? She, my dear readers, was a faker. She was posing to be innocent. In fact she was Hate/Anger. I recognised her under all the flimsy clothing, I saw through her innocent, beguiling face and bouncing, blond curls. And I killed her. Did I feel bad? No. I recognised deception. Hate masked as innocence. Anger masked as gentle beauty.
Thank you for reading this: Here comes the sting in the tail!If you manage to read all this you might have a hyper-focus defense mechanism yourself! You obviously use distraction to keep the unknown at bay! I wish you great strides in locating and befriending and understanding your own sploofs. May your journey within be rewarding and fun.
Topic: Bliss in L3 Round 2 - Locating inner demons (Read 197 times)
